I know I am nowhere near perfection and I’m ok with it. I am aware of my shortcomings, habits, quirks, strength, weaknesses and more but I have always been someone who is willing to learn, improve and open to listen to criticism. Well, if someone who is truly important to me criticizes me or makes a comment on me, I’d go quiet for a bit. Then I’d start thinking and reflecting on it.
A lot has happened to me within the past few months that made me think. More like overthinking that has brought so much unwanted truth, clarity and sadness. But one thing for sure is I will not change the goodness of me. I am a good and nice person, so I will continue to be that person but with more cautious and draw better boundaries.
I have been told that I am a people pleaser. To think about it, I’m not. But I can be when I am guilt into it. People who are dearest to me knows how to manipulate or make me feel so guilty about not doing something for them. Moving forward, my time and effort will only be on those who would do the same for me.
I used to have this attitude “Don’t know, don’t care”. But somehow or rather, the people that I communicate with regularly tend to share goss with me. Gossip about people I know, I don’t know and even celebrities. I have never been a fan of gossip. If that thing that does not involve me, I wouldn’t even feel the need to know. Sometimes even if it is someone I know, I can tell the person who is about to share the goss with me to not tell me. I don’t know why lately I got consumed into it. I would listen to the gossip and even check on it to verify it and even update the person. I hate myself for slipping into this. I’m not sure why I slipped into this time-wasting negative route. So now on, no more. This is a bad habit that accumulates unwanted sin, waste of time, negative and gets me nowhere!
I recently found out that I’ve been accused, stories made up and words have been thrown my way. Things that are not true about me at all. Made up things and so much more. It is thoroughly painful because it ain’t real. To top it off, all these bad things are being told to me with zero caution or care about my feelings at all. Yup, no flying hoots at all. But here is one thing that I have followed through throughout my life, “Two wrongs, doesn’t make one right”. So I will not retaliate, I will observe and be warier. I don’t think I need to justify myself to all these people because I know myself better. Perhaps they are a little envious of me? Or maybe they ain’t too happy with themselves. I will just keep mum and move forward. I’m going to try my best to stay focused and keep positive.
I don’t trust people easily, I keep my circle small. I rarely open up to people. As I get older, I became less sceptical and try to let more people in. But the recent incident has totally trashed me. I am devasted, sad, angry, confuse and upset. I feel so betrayed. The funny thing is my words have been used against me and their words and statement are said to be mine. I don’t know how to even begin to express my exact feelings about it all. So I will just not be mirroring what they did to me because not everybody is brave and ready for the truth.
In conclusion, what I went through just shortly is devastatingly life-changing. However, I believe that I should stay true to myself. I’m going to stay positive and lower down my ego how I usually am. Cause sometimes ego and anger only get you to a dead end. I want to grow, I want to be better, I want to resolve things. In my current situation, Imma chin up, stay positive and continue praying. I don’t need to be harsh, hurt others along the way. I know what it is like to be treated so badly. I don’t need to be egoistic to feel like I’m winning. Everyone has a winning path. I’m here for a bigger and better future.
You can say I’m stupid, weak and more. You can call me names. You can create your own make-believe. It’s ok as I’m aware of myself, I admit I’m not perfect and I’m open to doing better. I’m human, so are you. We sin, we make mistakes and we screw up from time to time. Acceptance is a key component in growth.