I’ve been told I shouldn’t write things on my site. Yea I suppose I shouldn’t but then again I’m not someone who is expressive. I talk a lot, but I don’t express.
My true feelings are always well kept. I am very good at playing pretend that you wouldn’t know how or what I am feeling. To make it worst, even when I am sick I don’t show it.
I used to think that showing my true feelings and sharing them with people is a sign of weakness. And it also gets me into trouble as people use it against me. But the truth is, any of you who I actually share this things would and should actually feel honoured. Cause I’m actually someone who has the highest wall of defence to shut people out.
But to some, it’s wrong to having this kind of feelings.
It makes me so confuse of how to act. When I shut it out I’m an ice queen (many have called me that). Some even said I’m staunch.
I’ve come across many personal life experience where my intuition was right. Maybe they were a gentle warning to me. Some was a good sign and some was a bad sign.
2003, a particular name was always mentioned in the conversations between my ex and I. True enough, they dated behind my back.
I remember this particular one in July 2011, I was at the happiest peak of my life. It was definitely my best and worst year. I was truly content with everything I had, it was everything and more that I could have wished for.
In that month, I noticed some odd texting between this guy I was dating and someone. I kept mum despite noticing how inappropriate the time that the SMSs were received. I felt uneasy but I’m a firm believer of trust. I thought to myself if there was something, he would tell me.
A month down the road, we had the talk. He isn’t ready and doesn’t want anything serious. Was I right to assume the coincidence? I didn’t simply because I respect the person and the future situation.
But then months down the road, there was B&W prove of how chummy things got. Perhaps it did happen behind my back when I noticed the oddness. I should have trusted my instincts.
Sometimes the better side of me tells myself, always give the benefit of the doubt to the other person. Or maybe I think highly of someone I care and respect, that I give all my trust to them.
I’ve iced up again because I’m too scared and this applies to all aspects of my life; work, family, friends and heart.
So that popped up in a conversation. Saying you ought to stick to your principles. But I strongly say it’s just a matter of saying. It all boils down to your actions. Cause I am an exhibit of words being said out of your principles. I was never given the fairness that should have justified my chance.
Sigh. The world holds no justice.
My eyes haven’t stopped shading tears since 11 am.
I’ve never been this miserable and hurt this badly.
I can’t breath.
If this how my life is to be, please take me already.
I’m too weak. I can’t take this pain.
My life altering sacrifices means nothing to you or anybody.
So let me go, please.