She looks sad, tired, lifeless. Looks like her colour got drained out. Her eyes. So big yet so cold. It has no shimmer. Doesn’t sparkle like it used to.

She touches her limp hair. What happened? Where did the thick lustrous black hair go? Friends used to envy her hair. Wanted to know tips to it.

She looked down, rubbed her extremely flat tummy. It hurts inside. Where does all the food she consume go to? She can feel her chest tightening. It hurts but no medication can cure it.

She turns around, looking at her rear. There was once a bum. But now its just ugly crumply space at her pants.

She stretches her leg forward. She now has ghostly white legs. Gone were the days she’d run around enjoying the sun. Gone was her playtime.

Who’s that girl looking right back at me?
I don’t know her anymore.

In all aspect. Family, finance, work, relationship, business and many more.

Been putting on a brave front simply to avoid people asking me about it. As much as my smile can lie, my weight was a give away. Damn!

Am very grateful for what I have so far but at times I wish God was much easier on me.

At the point of life where money is tight, there’s normally when you’d have to spend the most.

Last week for instance, I had a flat tire. A big ass tear in my front left wheel. What to do? Gotta change it. If that wasn’t enough, I had to do balancing, alignment and fix my chamber too. I could literally see dollar signs ($) floating above my head.

To add to it, my car decided to breakdown on me yesterday. Right after picking up a payment from the client’s. It died. Tried to switch it on but failed. Had to call a tow truck to get it to the mechanics. Sigh.

Finally and exciting new happened just about 11pm. An email from NYC.

jujuwiwitata’s will undergo a new project. Bringing in a certain brand from the States. We will be the stockiest in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

What’s the item? What’s the brand? Well all I can say is its a unisex product. I ain’t bias yo! Hehe.

Stay tuned for it. Wish me luck!

Oh yes, if you didn’t know. jujuwiwitata’s has gone through a minor revamp.

Hope you like the new logo. Do share on what you think of it. I love it as it’s typography. But do tell me what you think.

People comment saying its the greatest thing to ever happen. How lucky I am and more.

Yes, I’m grateful for the luxury of eating anything I please and not getting FAT. But to a certain extend, I wish to gain a bit more weight.

I eat a minimum of four meals a day but instead am losing weight!

It’s frustrating knowing I gobble down so much and it doesn’t appear anywhere on my body.

I currently can’t fit into my new jeans which I bought when I hit 42 kg and can’t fit into my old jeans which was worn during my lighter days. Its sad knowing I look so shabby in my current clothes. I just feel like staying in my jammies all day long.

My rings that I bought during my reason trip to Phuket are literally falling off my fingers

I feel so miserable but I don’t know how to over come it.

Maybe another trip to the Sen Sei might work or try to stop worrying too much.

Maybe am too stressed with my current situation. Maybe am too worried. Maybe am just unhappy.

Why can’t I be like the me early of the year? I miss it so badly. I miss it when I had so many things to look forward too.

I’m grateful for everything but I miss the easier and happier days and obviously my WEIGHT!!!

I finally went to the doctor. Been losing too much weight that my watch and pants are basically just hanging there loosely. Ready to drop off at any point of time.

Went to the doctor because of the spasm due to my indigestion problem. I’ve this problem since my days in Brisbane. The cause to it is so simple, STRESS! The number one killer. To add up to it, I have gastric too. I did Endoscopy a few years back and the reason behind my gastric is STRESS too.

Haih. Am on MC tomorrow due to a lil temperature. I’m back on reflux pills but at least this time it’s less than a week. I remember I had to take them for 3 months and was under strict monitoring. I’m still up because I’ve to take my medication at 2am.

Tyrone is ill too. Puked over 6 times. Tomorrow I’d go to the pet store and look for fur ball food. Let’s just hope it’s nothing much. Just hairball stuck at their throat or tummy.

I’m going to try to get some rest and relax my overly worked brain.

Good night.

I’ve been in a total bad shape recently. How bad you may wonder? I broke down on one fine Friday while I was getting ready to work, all pumped up. Suddenly I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks. It went on and on. I couldn’t even stop it. I changed into my house clothes and went back under the sheets. Whipped up my phone and texted my bosses.

I’m exhausted and unhappy.

Family

I’m trying very hard to be a great daughter and sister. Trying hard to contribute to the daily household needs. Trying to provide Aizat with a comfortable life.

Somehow I feel like nobody appreciates me for anything that I try to do at home. I help them out in ways that I can. But whenever I need them, nobody is there for me. I feel very much alone. Maybe I shouldn’t be here with them. Maybe I’m nothing in their eyes.

Mean Green

In my struggle to make ends meet and pull through every month, I wish I had more.

Am currently spread across all accounts at work with my other business at hand to focus on.

Am in the middle of revamping jujuwiwitata’s at no such luck. I don’t have a supportive support system. Always pushing me down. Shooting down my ideas without even listening to a word that I utter.

The Great Indoors has finally launched. We’re currently working very hard trying to expand our clienteles. Working extra hard on it trying to spread the word.

I’m already handling three jobs and my financial needs are nowhere to match! This is tiring. This makes me want to give up. Should I take up a new job? Or should I take up more jobs?

Trying to pull through every month is tiring enough for me.

Friends

I am blessed with many. Some truly close. Some fairly close. I love them to bits. I hope to not be back stabbed like the many times I have been. I hope to have learnt my lessons of not being too nice to them and let them step all over me like a doormat.

Some of my friends are genuinely caring about me; this bunch is the one that have seen me at my lowest low and highest high. I love you guys and you know who you are.

Relationship

At this point of time, am not too sure what I have done to myself.

In 2008, I told myself I won’t date. It’s a waste of time and effort. I was hurt so bad back then. A break up that didn’t exactly had a reason behind it.

As years pass me by, I soften a bit. I opened up my heart to at least let some new people into it. I was told to let down my guard and give him a chance. Which I did, I was over the moon, happy beyond words. Getting to know each other was such a joyful journey. The similarities and differences was an interesting lesson.

However, I’ve never really been a lucky soul in the relationship department. Always getting dumped, cheated and used. It took a total turn. I had my arguments to it. But I kept quiet. You may wonder why? I’ve always believed that it’s good and best to respect other people’s decision. So mum it is.

It was really tough to digest but what choice do I have right?

So here I am now, sticking to what I know best.

Every guy’s best friend and not their dream girl. I’d live.

Health

My health has taken a toll on me. From tooth problems to my gastric kicking in again. Losing weight by the second. Always feeling lethargic. It feels like 2008 on repeat.

I can’t afford to go for a medical check up. I know if I went for one, the doctor is going to put me back on reflux pill and my weight will be monitored closely.

Insyallah I’d get out of this rut. Insyallah.

I was pushing my luck this pass few weeks. Not listening to the gentle hints the body was sending out. Bam. Over the weekend, I suddenly lost it all. Too tired. Throat flared up. Falling asleep in public places. Not such a great thing ain’t it.

My body has shut down on me. So much has happened. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Gotta get back to my A-game. I’ve lost some weight thanks to being too tired all the time. I must have been the worst company during the few weeks.

I’m going to balance it out again. Must stay focus. Must work according to time frame. Shall not try to be a super hero.

Good night. Will write more. Maybe more ranting post…who is game?

Despite it all, I must say I’ve had a rather colourful journey. The transitions that I’ve gone through.

I can see the drastic change in weight that I’ve gone through as well. Looking back at it all. I’ve learn who are my true friends. I’ve lost some friends along the way, made new ones too and strengthen the bond that I have with the existing ones.

Not only that, how I used to look back then compared to now. Days in Brisbane when life as a student was a breeze. Now, it’s all about work and constantly squeezing in time for family and friends.

But this year, 2011 I’ve promised myself to not look behind and dwell over my past. To move forward optimistically and enjoy myself!

I will eventually die. So hey, let’s live the life!

little J

That’s me now. I just went to weigh myself and I am 36kg. I did not know that I did gain a kg in a week. Perhaps, Ensure is really awesome ain’t it? Hehe.

Well, that’s happy news for me. Am going to go on with Ensure till I finish the whole bottle. To help me gain more weight, I have been drinking a lot of milkshakes. I do love milkshakes a lot. Yummy I tell ya.

Though some of you may say am super skinny or torment me with your nasty words. I am healthy. My doctor told me that. So, I do not care.

Oh yes, I also have a lot of protein in me. Thus, my hair grows real fast and I have super strong nails. I just cut my hair two weeks back and it’s already an inch longer. So much for my short hair. Now it’s already below my armpit.

So yea, gonna go drink up my Ensure to ensure I gain more weight. Wehooo!

I’ve always been thin or perhaps in normal people’s language. SKINNY. I hate that word. It hurts when people comment about my weight. There’s not much that I can do about it. I’ve tried to gain weight and it ain’t easy. Trust me.

I don’t go around pointing fingers, laughing, smirking and commenting at fat people. But they do it to me. I get angry. I get shy. I lose my confidence. I cry about it.

Gain Eight Powder

I’ve tried this product called Gain Eight. I’ve taken eight bottles of it. No positive results at all. Sigh.

Ensure Milk Powder

So now, am taking Ensure Milk Powder in chocolate. It really is yummy. I take it on a daily basis. Am hoping this works.

Soon, I’ll start exercising. I think all I need is more rest. Seriously, am always on the go. Running errands for myself and others. I hardly have me time for myself. Well, let’s see how this goes after a few months.

Wish me luck!

I wish I was at least 40kg, all gleefully round and happy. But gaining weight is a big challenge to me. I come from a family of super slim people. Both my parents are slim and so are my two brothers. It is painful for us siblings as we really want to put on weight. But it is all in the genes.

A few years back, I had myself examine as I really wanted to know if there is something wrong with me. The doctor assured me that I was perfectly healthy just that I have hyperactive saliva and a very high metabolism rate. Thus that explains why I am always hungry. To prove that I do digest fast, try seating on my seat after I have sat on it a little why. You’d find the seat a bit hot. That shows that am digesting.

Since it is the new year, I wish to gain more weight. Therefore, I am already on my 6th bottle of soybean protein weight gain aid. Wish me luck people. Haha.

Actually, the remedy for me to gain weight is by being a slob. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep. Stress and lack of rest and sleep makes me lose weight in a blink of an eye.

So, I will try to rest more and eat more in order to gain my dream weight. I miss playing dress up now. Cause I am so insecure of my weight. It’s not easy being tiny. People always say nasty things to you. Some would even say you’re an anorexic. It hurts.

To gaining weight. Make me happy through my tummy and I’ll be yummy.