Two reasons to this.

1. Gastric building up and reflux is back.

2. Ergh, let’s not get started on it. I could strangle someone to death about it.

Enough ranting. Happy Friday.

Bismillah.

She looks sad, tired, lifeless. Looks like her colour got drained out. Her eyes. So big yet so cold. It has no shimmer. Doesn’t sparkle like it used to.

She touches her limp hair. What happened? Where did the thick lustrous black hair go? Friends used to envy her hair. Wanted to know tips to it.

She looked down, rubbed her extremely flat tummy. It hurts inside. Where does all the food she consume go to? She can feel her chest tightening. It hurts but no medication can cure it.

She turns around, looking at her rear. There was once a bum. But now its just ugly crumply space at her pants.

She stretches her leg forward. She now has ghostly white legs. Gone were the days she’d run around enjoying the sun. Gone was her playtime.

Who’s that girl looking right back at me?
I don’t know her anymore.

People comment saying its the greatest thing to ever happen. How lucky I am and more.

Yes, I’m grateful for the luxury of eating anything I please and not getting FAT. But to a certain extend, I wish to gain a bit more weight.

I eat a minimum of four meals a day but instead am losing weight!

It’s frustrating knowing I gobble down so much and it doesn’t appear anywhere on my body.

I currently can’t fit into my new jeans which I bought when I hit 42 kg and can’t fit into my old jeans which was worn during my lighter days. Its sad knowing I look so shabby in my current clothes. I just feel like staying in my jammies all day long.

My rings that I bought during my reason trip to Phuket are literally falling off my fingers

I feel so miserable but I don’t know how to over come it.

Maybe another trip to the Sen Sei might work or try to stop worrying too much.

Maybe am too stressed with my current situation. Maybe am too worried. Maybe am just unhappy.

Why can’t I be like the me early of the year? I miss it so badly. I miss it when I had so many things to look forward too.

I’m grateful for everything but I miss the easier and happier days and obviously my WEIGHT!!!

I finally went to the doctor. Been losing too much weight that my watch and pants are basically just hanging there loosely. Ready to drop off at any point of time.

Went to the doctor because of the spasm due to my indigestion problem. I’ve this problem since my days in Brisbane. The cause to it is so simple, STRESS! The number one killer. To add up to it, I have gastric too. I did Endoscopy a few years back and the reason behind my gastric is STRESS too.

Haih. Am on MC tomorrow due to a lil temperature. I’m back on reflux pills but at least this time it’s less than a week. I remember I had to take them for 3 months and was under strict monitoring. I’m still up because I’ve to take my medication at 2am.

Tyrone is ill too. Puked over 6 times. Tomorrow I’d go to the pet store and look for fur ball food. Let’s just hope it’s nothing much. Just hairball stuck at their throat or tummy.

I’m going to try to get some rest and relax my overly worked brain.

Good night.

I’ve been in a total bad shape recently. How bad you may wonder? I broke down on one fine Friday while I was getting ready to work, all pumped up. Suddenly I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks. It went on and on. I couldn’t even stop it. I changed into my house clothes and went back under the sheets. Whipped up my phone and texted my bosses.

I’m exhausted and unhappy.

Family

I’m trying very hard to be a great daughter and sister. Trying hard to contribute to the daily household needs. Trying to provide Aizat with a comfortable life.

Somehow I feel like nobody appreciates me for anything that I try to do at home. I help them out in ways that I can. But whenever I need them, nobody is there for me. I feel very much alone. Maybe I shouldn’t be here with them. Maybe I’m nothing in their eyes.

Mean Green

In my struggle to make ends meet and pull through every month, I wish I had more.

Am currently spread across all accounts at work with my other business at hand to focus on.

Am in the middle of revamping jujuwiwitata’s at no such luck. I don’t have a supportive support system. Always pushing me down. Shooting down my ideas without even listening to a word that I utter.

The Great Indoors has finally launched. We’re currently working very hard trying to expand our clienteles. Working extra hard on it trying to spread the word.

I’m already handling three jobs and my financial needs are nowhere to match! This is tiring. This makes me want to give up. Should I take up a new job? Or should I take up more jobs?

Trying to pull through every month is tiring enough for me.

Friends

I am blessed with many. Some truly close. Some fairly close. I love them to bits. I hope to not be back stabbed like the many times I have been. I hope to have learnt my lessons of not being too nice to them and let them step all over me like a doormat.

Some of my friends are genuinely caring about me; this bunch is the one that have seen me at my lowest low and highest high. I love you guys and you know who you are.

Relationship

At this point of time, am not too sure what I have done to myself.

In 2008, I told myself I won’t date. It’s a waste of time and effort. I was hurt so bad back then. A break up that didn’t exactly had a reason behind it.

As years pass me by, I soften a bit. I opened up my heart to at least let some new people into it. I was told to let down my guard and give him a chance. Which I did, I was over the moon, happy beyond words. Getting to know each other was such a joyful journey. The similarities and differences was an interesting lesson.

However, I’ve never really been a lucky soul in the relationship department. Always getting dumped, cheated and used. It took a total turn. I had my arguments to it. But I kept quiet. You may wonder why? I’ve always believed that it’s good and best to respect other people’s decision. So mum it is.

It was really tough to digest but what choice do I have right?

So here I am now, sticking to what I know best.

Every guy’s best friend and not their dream girl. I’d live.

Health

My health has taken a toll on me. From tooth problems to my gastric kicking in again. Losing weight by the second. Always feeling lethargic. It feels like 2008 on repeat.

I can’t afford to go for a medical check up. I know if I went for one, the doctor is going to put me back on reflux pill and my weight will be monitored closely.

Insyallah I’d get out of this rut. Insyallah.

I was pushing my luck this pass few weeks. Not listening to the gentle hints the body was sending out. Bam. Over the weekend, I suddenly lost it all. Too tired. Throat flared up. Falling asleep in public places. Not such a great thing ain’t it.

My body has shut down on me. So much has happened. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Gotta get back to my A-game. I’ve lost some weight thanks to being too tired all the time. I must have been the worst company during the few weeks.

I’m going to balance it out again. Must stay focus. Must work according to time frame. Shall not try to be a super hero.

Good night. Will write more. Maybe more ranting post…who is game?

Anyways, I’m going to try to do this a bit more often.
As of now, here’s an update from my blogshop, jujuwiwitata’s.

It’s been updated with some basics.

If you’re interested email me. I ship internationally.
p/s: It’s cheap too!

- Juwita Jalil

I’ve lost two grandfathers, one grandmother, one step-grandmother, an uncle and a few friends throughout my 25 years.

Most of it was shocking. Some was a painful process. Nonetheless, it hurts. I miss them. It’s painful to watch them slip away from you.

Today, I watched a dear aunt of mine laying on the bed with all sorts of tubes going through her nose and mouth. It looked painful. But she didn’t budge. Called out her name with no response. She’s in the deepest sleep known to man, coma. I miss how jovial she was. Making jokes. Remembering going for Hari Raya at her place. How she loves coming over to our house. Eating the cookies I made.

There was this one time, when I was much younger. I served her my burnt cookies and she still at them with a big smile on her face.

As I was sitting next to her with a Yasin in hand. I thought I saw her moving her head. I thought I saw it twice. Maybe am delusional at that point. But even my dad said he saw it. My dad touched her hand. There was no response.

Family members have gathered. Hoping she will fight. Hoping for a miracle.

I’ve learn my lesson. I won’t let the people I love slip away. I will cherish each and everyone of my family members and friends. I won’t hold back in love. We will never know when our time is up or theirs for all that matters.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love you.

xx

p/s : Don’t go just yet Teh. We all love you. Fight.

pp/s : By the way, my lovely aunt has passed on.